Why Self-Kindness Is A Good Thing
I have named my new venture Kind Living as it hints at the world and community that I want to live in. I want to live among people who are generous at heart, aware, open, and loving, not because they think or believe that this is how they should behave, but because it is a natural expression of who they are.
I have had interesting conversations recently about the idea of kindness to oneself. It appears that some of us are uncomfortable with the thought of self-kindness as if this would get in the way of being kind to others. Kindness to self and kindness to others is often seen as an ‘either or’ rather than a ‘yes and’ situation. Hence, I want to clarify how I think of self-kindness and what I have learned from the research I have read on this topic.
Maybe a good way to start is to describe what self-kindness is not:
It does not make us narcissistic and uncaring of others.
It does not mean that we do not attempt to rectify the mistakes we make.
It does not mean that we become a watered-down version of ourselves without an edge.
What it does mean however is that:
We hold our own hand when we are scared or out of our comfort-zone rather than judging ourselves for feeling scared or uneasy in the first place.
We are our own best friend who helps us pacify our inner critic, so we can honestly look at ourselves and our actions and learn from them without our inner critic telling us ‘You should have known/done better’.
We are less inclined to waste our energy on suppressing aspects of ourselves which we don’t like. Instead, we can use this energy to find ways to grow into the person we want to be, even if that means that we fail at times.
We become a better listener to our own needs and motivated to find ways to fulfill them rather than ignoring them till resentment builds up.
We learn that sometimes we have to so say ‘no’ to others in order to say ‘yes’ to ourselves even if this is hard to do.
None of the above points mention being kind to others. However, being able to be with ourselves in the way described above will have a natural flow-on effect on our relationships with others.
My personal experience is that
• By embracing and accepting my own struggles I am more compassionate with others.
• By meeting my own weaknesses with compassion and kindness, I am more inclined to accept other’s shortcomings with an open heart.
• By recognising and trying to take care of my own needs, I can be more freely available to others without feeling resentful.
What I aim to do with practicing self-kindness is building capacity within myself to face adversity, be present to whatever arises, and live my life fully with love and openness.
Dan Siegel (clinical professor of psychiatry and executive director of the Mindsight Institute) writes that “Kindness to ourselves is what gives us strength and resolve to …. approach life’s events, planned or unplanned, with curiosity, openness, and love”.
To me, kindness to self is a path I am committed to walk. My hope is to encounter many fellow travelers. Will you be one of them?