Effectively Selfish
You often hear me cheering the idea of self-care and being kind to yourself and how important it is for our physical, mental and emotional well-being.
And while we generally like to think of ourselves as kind, empathetic and nurturing, we often don't find it very easy directing those qualities toward ourselves. We generally enjoy the sense of connection that comes with focusing our energies on others.
When I talk to my female friends about the importance of being kind to and taking care of themselves, I hear responses such as “I don’t want to turn into a selfish person, I like seeing myself as kind and responsive. I don’t want to start putting my own needs first. I wouldn’t like myself as someone who doesn’t care about others.”
This is where our thinking goes wrong. We are in the habit of thinking in binary terms. I am either selfish or caring. But what about learning to recognise the moments when it might be vitally important for you to step up and speak up for your own needs in the interest of growth and wholeness – even if that hurts someone else?
Lisa Marchiano, Jungian analyst, author and podcaster, uses the metaphor of “quiver and arrows” and suggests that we need more than kind and caring arrows at our disposal (see podcast link below). It does not mean that we should do away with the arrows displaying the sweeter qualities of life but add others that allow for the expression of shrewdness and ruthlessness. So, when the situation asks for it, we can reach into our quiver and choose the arrow most appropriate for that moment.
Why?
Because, by being solely focused on others we might lose connection to ourselves. To stay connected to our own goals and needs we benefit from having a variety of arrows at our disposal so we can apply them choicefully, when appropriate. Not doing so might, over time, lead to feelings of numbness, anxiety or even depression as we don't pay heed to our own needs. We might also lose out on wonderful new opportunities, such as a new career path, new friendships and more.
To give an example:
Many years ago, when I was still running pregnancy yoga classes, one of the mums shared in class that she does not feel heard or supported by the midwife she had chosen. But because she didn’t want to hurt the midwife’s feelings, who was perfectly nice otherwise, she had avoided taken appropriate action. Given how important it is to have the right kind of person at your side when giving birth, this was not something to be taken lightly. The other pregnant mums in class encouraged her to stand up for herself, and to inform her current midwife that she will be changing her care provider. A week later we were all happy to hear that she had faced her misgivings and had found a new midwife whom she really resonated with.
From the outside it might seem that swapping midwives was the obvious thing to do given what was at stake. However, I could see it didn’t feel obvious for the mum who was used to taking care of other’s feelings before her own.
Of course we do not want to change ourselves into ruthless and shrewd people. However, I believe that we would benefit greatly from honing in our skill of discernment of when to practice appropriate shrewdness or ruthlessness to facilitate growth and wholeness.
Is kindness the right response? Or does the situation require us to reach for the arrow of ruthlessness and put our own needs first at this moment in time?
Can we learn to be "effectively selfish”?
Questions for you
In which situation might you benefit from a little more ruthless action taking?
How do you respond when you witness others, especially other women, display such traits in certain situations?
Sounds True Podcast
Interview by Tami Simon
Check out this episode!